Monday, January 22, 2007

Premonition or weird coincidence?

Saturday night I had a weird dream that I had a baby boy but that he didn't do well. My coworkers took him from the room to work on him (unheard of, NICU sometimes takes them but never Birthing Center nurses). He didn't make it I dont think.
Last night I got a patient who came down with decreased fetal movement. Couldnt find heart tones. Called in doc to ultrasound. No heart tones. It sucked. She was only 4 weeks early. I cried with her when radiology had to come down and verify that her little boy had died before we started the induction. It was horrible. And yet I think dreaming that I lost my little boy made me "feel" her pain more. Is that stupid?
This is the second time I have had to do this in 2 weeks. I hate hate hate hate this part of the job. I just want to tell them everything will be fine but it won't. It feels wrong to just keep saying "i'm so sorry for your loss" when you want to cuss and guess with them what might have gone wrong. It sucks to have no answers for them. It sucks that some people have 6 kids by the time they're 21 and others can't get one to live.
Some things about life just suck.


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